Grandparents and grandchildren 0–15 years old "With grandma, slightly different rules apply"
There's a very special moment in many children's lives: They discover that grandma and grandpa's house doesn't work quite the same way as home. With parents, there may be rules about screen time, bedtime, candy, and cleaning. With grandparents, reality can suddenly look a little different.
"You're not allowed to eat chocolate before dinner at home."
"No, but here you are at grandma's."
And there the child stands with chocolate around his mouth and a big smile.
But what is really okay? Where are the boundaries between parents' upbringing and grandparents' freedom to spoil their grandchildren? And how can you build a good relationship when the child is between 0 and 15 years old?
From diaper to teenager – a huge development
The period from 0 to 15 years is perhaps the most dramatic developmental period in a person's life.
When your child is little, grandparents are often the ones who bring hugs, cuddles, songs, and stories. Eventually, they become playmates, counselors, drivers, ATMs, and maybe even people who have to learn how to play Minecraft.
And grandparents are often 45–60 years older than their grandchildren.
This means that the child and the grandparents literally grow up in different worlds.
Your grandparents may have grown up with one TV channel.
The grandchild is growing up with YouTube, TikTok, streaming services, artificial intelligence and a mobile phone that can do more than grandfather's first computer.
It's no wonder that generations sometimes look at each other and think:
"What on earth are you doing?"
0–3 years: The grandparents discover a new boss
When the grandchild is between 0 and 3 years old, the relationship is often strongly characterized by security and care.
Grandparents can become an important, extra secure adult.
They can read books, sing songs, go for walks and play. But they can also teach the child something that the parents may not have as much time for.
Grandparents often have one big advantage:
They have better time.
The parents have to go to work. They have to go shopping. Make dinner. Do laundry. Follow up with daycare. Answer emails.
Finding the missing pacifier.
Grandma can sit on the floor and spend 40 minutes building the same tower over and over again.
And she likes to do it with a smile.
But the rules at home still apply
Here comes an important point.
Just because grandparents have slightly different rules at home doesn't mean that parents' rules should be ignored.
Parents have the primary responsibility for upbringing.
If the parents say:
"The child should not have sugar before dinner."
It's not very lucky if the grandparents answer:
"Mom doesn't decide when you're with me."
It might seem funny now and then.
But the child can quickly learn something else:
Rules can be circumvented if I find the right adult.
And then suddenly you've created a little diplomat who has already learned how to play the parents against the grandparents.
"With us it's legal"
However, there is a difference between undermining your parents and having your own traditions.
For example, parents may have a strict rule that the child cannot have dessert before dinner.
Your grandparents may have a tradition of pancakes on Saturdays.
It doesn't have to be a problem.
The important thing is how it is communicated.
Not:
"Mom doesn't make the decisions here."
But:
The first creates conflict.
The second creates tradition.
4–7 years: Grandparents are suddenly the coolest people in the world
At this age, grandparents can gain an almost magical status.
They may be the ones who say yes to an extra story.
Those who let their child jump on the couch – within reason.
Those who have biscuits in the cupboard.
Those who tell stories about when mom or dad was little.
And this is exactly what is worth its weight in gold.
Children love stories about their parents.
"Did you know that dad once went to school wearing two different shoes?"
The child stares.
"Dad?!"
Yes.
Dad was actually a child once.
It can be difficult for children to understand.
Grandparents as storytellers
Grandparents have something no one else has:
family history.
They can tell what their parents were like as children.
How Grandma Met Grandpa.
How the family lived before.
What Christmas celebrations were like before the smartphone appeared.
How to travel on vacation without following GPS.
For the child, this becomes a connection between the generations.
Grandparents don't just become "old people."
They become people with a story.
8–11 years: Now the negotiations begin
Then comes the period when the child begins to argue.
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"But everyone else gets it!"
"I only did it once."
"But Grandpa said it was okay!"
Here the grandparents begin to notice that they have a little lawyer visiting.
And this lawyer has one strategy:
Find the weakest link.
If mom says no, ask dad.
If dad says no, ask grandma.
If grandma says no, ask grandpa.
If everyone says no:
"But why?"
This is where adults need to agree on the basic boundaries.
Grandparents don't have to be extra parents
A grandparent does not need to copy their parents.
It is not necessary either.
The grandparent role can be different.
Parents should first and foremost educate.
Grandparents are more likely to be:
confident adults
storytellers
supporters
playmates
advisors
tradition bearers
an extra safe harbor
There is a big difference.
12–15 years: Now comes the teenager
And suddenly it happens.
The child who previously ran to meet his grandmother now walks through the door with a hood over his head and answers:
"Hello."
Grandma:
“How are you?”
The teenager:
"Okay."
Grandma:
"What have you done today?"
The teenager:
"Nothing."
Grandma:
"Are you going to eat?"
The teenager:
“Don’t know.”
This could be a ten-minute conversation.
The grandparents don't necessarily have to interpret it as rejection.
Teenagers are beginning to create their own identity.
Don't take the silence personally.
Grandparents can make a big difference during this period by not pushing.
Instead of:
"Why don't you ever tell me anything?"
can you try:
"You don't have to tell me everything. But if you ever want to talk, I'll listen."
There is a huge difference.
The teenager needs to know that the door is open.
The great advantage of grandparents
Grandparents can often offer something parents don't always have:
a little distance.
Parents are at the center of everyday life.
Grandparents can see the situation from the outside.
That doesn't mean that grandparents are always right.
But it could mean they can be a calmer conversationalist.
When grandparents give advice
Advice is an art form in itself.
A piece of advice that begins with:
"When I was your age..."
can cause the teenager to mentally leave the room.
That doesn't mean the story is worthless.
But it should be adapted.
Try instead:
"I experienced something similar when I was younger. Want to hear how I handled it?"
Then the youth will have a choice.
The best rule of all
The most important thing is not whether grandma is allowed to serve ice cream before dinner.
The most important thing is that the child experiences:
"I'm safe with grandma and grandpa."
Safety does not mean that everything is legal.
Security means that the child knows where the boundaries are – and that love does not disappear when boundaries need to be set.
When generations meet
A 10-year-old child and a 60-year-old grandparent have about half a century between them.
Yet they can sit together and laugh at the exact same movie.
They can go fishing.
They can play cards.
They can cook dinner.
They can repair a bicycle.
They can teach each other things.
Grandpa might teach his grandson how to use a screwdriver.
Grandson teaches grandpa how to send an emoji.
Both feel like experts.
Both are probably wrong.
And that's exactly how good memories are created.
Termination
The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not about having identical rules.
It's about respecting the roles .
Parents set the basic framework.
Grandparents can create their own traditions within these frameworks.
And the grandson gets something very special:
An adult who has time to hear the story one more time.
Someone who might have an extra chocolate in the cupboard.
Someone who remembers what mom or dad was like as a child.
And one who can say:
"Come here. It'll be okay."
That's the value of grandparents.
Not because they do everything right.
But because they are there.
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