PART 1: 0–15 YEARS “I decide!” – No, mom and dad actually do

From diaper changes to coffee visits – Part 1

There is hardly any job with greater responsibility, fewer breaks, and more unpredictable working hours than being a parent.

You get no training. No user manual. No guarantee that the child will actually follow the instructions.

And the child often comes with an interesting characteristic: They have strong opinions about just about everything.

"I don't want to go to bed!"

"I want that cup!"

"Why do I have to wear a jacket?"

"Everyone else is allowed!"

Parents often answer: “Because I say so.”

And right there begins one of the longest negotiations of one's life.

The first years are about security

From the moment a child is born, the most important task of parents is to create security. The child needs food, sleep, care and love – but also predictability.

A small child does not understand the world the way adults do. They need adults who can provide a safe framework for their life.

That doesn't mean parents should say yes to everything.

On the contrary.

Children need boundaries.

They need to know what is legal, what is not legal, and what happens when the boundaries are violated.

Boundaries are not the same as strictness

Many parents may be afraid of being too strict. Others may be afraid of being too lenient.

But children first and foremost need clear adults.

"No, you can't hit your little brother."

"We don't throw food on the floor."

"Now it's bedtime."

It's not a lack of love.

It's love with an instruction manual.

The problem arises when boundaries become unpredictable. If “no” means no on Monday, maybe Tuesday, and “okay” on Wednesday, the child quickly learns that it pays to keep nagging.

Children are not stupid.

They are actually pretty good dealers.

Then comes school age.

When a child starts school, their world expands. Parents are no longer the only important influence.

Teachers, friends, extracurricular activities and eventually social media come into play.

The child begins to compare himself with others.

"Why does he have that cell phone?"

"Why is she allowed to stay out longer?"

"Why is everyone else allowed?"

This is where parents need to start teaching their child something important:

That justice does not always mean that everyone gets the same.

Parents also learn

It's easy to believe that only the child should learn.

But parenthood also teaches adults a lot.

You learn patience.

You learn that a discussion about brushing your teeth can last surprisingly long.

You learn that "I'm just going to rest for five minutes" can be a dangerous phrase when you have young children.

And you learn that your child may not necessarily turn out exactly as you imagined.

That is an important realization.

The child is not a project to be shaped according to the parents' wishes.

It is a human being who must develop to become himself.

Children need to be seen – not just corrected

If a child is constantly told what they are doing wrong, they may begin to believe that they are wrong themselves.

Therefore, it is important to distinguish between action and person.

"What you did was not right."

is something completely different than:

"You are hopeless."

The first sentence corrects the action.

The other attacks the child.

Words can stick around for a long time.

A child may forget why they were scolded.

But it can remember how it felt.

And then come the famous teenage years

At the age of 13–15, something new begins.

The child wants more freedom.

Parents will still have control.

The child thinks the parents don't understand anything.

The parents begin to wonder who has replaced their child overnight.

This is actually a natural part of development.

The child should gradually detach themselves.

Parents should gradually let go.

But none of this happens without some resistance.

The most important thing parents can give

A child doesn't need perfect parents.

It needs parents who are confident enough to say:

"I did this wrong."

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand you were upset.”

"I love you, even though I don't like what you did."

The last one is perhaps one of the most important.

Love should not be a reward for good behavior.

The child should know that love remains, even when behavior needs to be corrected.

Think about this for a moment.

When the child is small, the parent is the whole world.

Gradually the world becomes bigger.

The parents' task is therefore not to keep the child close forever.

The task is to give the child roots – and eventually wings.

And maybe that's exactly what parenting is all about:

Teaching your child to manage without you, while also making sure that your child always knows that they can come back.

In the next part we meet the teenager and the young adult.

Then comes the question:

When will parents start letting go?

And perhaps even more importantly:

How do you do that without losing touch?

"Think about this"

When was the last time you saw your parent as a human being – and not just as mom or dad?