PART 2: 15–20 YEARS "I'm an adult!" - Yes, but who pays the subscription?
From diaper changes to coffee visits – Part 2
"I'm an adult!"
It's a phrase many parents hear during adolescence.
And often it comes from the person who five minutes later asks:
"Where is the Wi-Fi password?"
Welcome to the difficult in-between phase.
The teenager is no longer a child, but neither is he necessarily ready to handle everything that adulthood brings.
It is a period where the child must find out who they are – and the parents must find out how much they will still decide.
From control to trust
When the child is small, the parents decide.
As the child gets older, the relationship must gradually build more on trust.
But trust does not arise because the child turns 16.
It is built over time.
If young people keep their promises, take responsibility and communicate, their freedom can be increased.
If agreements are constantly broken, it is natural for parents to become concerned.
But here lies an important difference:
Trust does not mean that parents stop caring.
This means that they start giving the child more responsibility.
"Everyone else is allowed!"
This is perhaps the most commonly used phrase in adolescence.
And parents should know that "everyone else" is a rather large and mysterious group.
"Everyone else can stay out until two."
"Everyone else has that phone."
"Everyone else can go to the party."
The parents' job is not to compete with "everyone else."
They must do what is right for their children and their family.
Sometimes the answer is no.
And a no actually doesn't need a 45-minute PowerPoint presentation to be valid.
Privacy becomes more important
A teenager needs privacy.
That doesn't necessarily mean that parents should know everything.
Your phone, messages, friends, and feelings become more private.
At the same time, parents must be aware that the young person still needs help.
The difficult balance is:
How do you follow without monitoring?
There is no one answer.
But a good rule is to make it possible for the young person to come to their parents without being met with panic, lectures, or judgment.
If the young person tells you something difficult and the reaction is always:
"What did I say!"
the next call may be significantly shorter.
Parents have to tolerate being rejected a little.
It can hurt.
The child who previously wanted to sit on your lap suddenly wants to be in the room.
The parents who were previously the funniest people in the world are now becoming "little".
It's almost impressive how quickly this happens.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that love is gone.
Young people are trying to create their own identity.
Parents must therefore tolerate some distance without interpreting everything as rejection.
At the same time, young people must learn responsibility
Freedom without responsibility quickly becomes chaos.
Young people must gradually learn:
to keep appointments
to handle money
to take consequences
to speak out
to respect others
to handle conflicts
to make one's own choices
Parents cannot protect their children from all mistakes.
Sometimes young people need to experience the consequences of their own choices.
That doesn't mean parents should stand around cheering when their youth makes a mistake.
But they can say:
"I'll help you through this. But you also have to help clean up."
When the child turns 18
The 18th birthday has a strange effect.
On paper, the child is suddenly an adult.
In the parents' minds, it may still be the little kid who needs help tying his shoelaces.
But the young adult now has the right to make their own decisions.
That means the relationship should change.
Parents can still give advice.
But the difference between advice and order becomes more important.
"I would do it like this."
is something other than:
"You should do it like this."
What if the parents disagree?
They will be.
The child may choose an education the parents do not understand.
The boyfriend's parents don't like.
The job the parents believe is insecure.
Or maybe the child wants to move far away.
Parents have every right to be concerned.
But love doesn't mean you always have to win the argument.
Sometimes the wisest sentence is:
"I don't agree, but I respect that this is your choice."
The new parenting role
The parents should not disappear.
They should switch roles.
From boss to advisor.
From control to trust.
From deciding to supporting.
It is a transition that can be difficult.
But it is necessary.
Because the goal of parenting is not to have a child who always does what the parents say.
The goal is to have an adult who can think for themselves.
Think about this for a moment.
Perhaps the hardest thing about being a parent is not teaching your child to walk.
It is teaching the child to move forward without holding their hand.
And perhaps the young adult needs their parents more than ever – just in a different way.
In the next part we meet the adult son or daughter.
Then comes the big test:
Can parents manage to give advice without interfering?
"Think about this"
If you could go back to one conversation you had with your parents, what would you say differently?
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