PART 3: 20–30 YEARS “Thanks for the advice – I’ll do the opposite of course”

From diaper changes to coffee visits – Part 3

There is a special time in life when parents realize that their child has actually become an adult.

The only problem is that no one has told the parents when this time is.

The child may be 25 years old.

Have a steady job.

Pay taxes.

Have a mortgage.

Maybe even have children of their own.

And yet, mom may ask:

"Did you remember to eat properly?"

It's hard to stop being a parent.

But now the role of parents must change.

The child decides for himself/herself

Between the ages of 20 and 30, many people make big choices.

Education.

Job.

Housing.

Roommate.

Marriage.

Child.

Moving.

Traveling.

Some choices will be amazing.

Others will be wrong.

And some people get so wrong that their parents sit at home and think:

"This is never going to work out."

But here comes the difficult part:

It's not the parents' life.

It's the child's.

Unsolicited advice – the superpower of parents

Parents often have a lot of experience.

They have made mistakes.

They have learned.

They want to spare the child from problems.

Therefore, the advice comes:

"You shouldn't buy that car."

“I think you should do it differently.”

“You should save more.”

"That girlfriend over there..."

Advice can be valuable.

But even good advice can become tiresome when it comes all the time.

There is a simple difference between being supportive and being controlling:

Support asks: “What do you need?”

Control says: “You should do this.”

The adult child also needs to learn something

Parents need to let go of control.

But the adult son or daughter must also accept that the parents still have opinions.

Equality does not mean that everyone has to agree.

It means that you tolerate disagreement.

One can say:

“I hear what you’re saying.”

without following the advice.

It's actually a pretty useful adult skill.

When love comes in

Boyfriends and cohabitants can change family dynamics.

Suddenly, a new person becomes very important in the child's life.

The parents may like the person.

Or they may be skeptical.

In any case, it should be remembered that the adult son or daughter must choose for themselves who they want to live with.

Parents can express concern if they see something serious.

But they should be careful about turning love into a competition.

"It's me or her."

or:

"He doesn't fit into our family."

Such sentences can create wounds that last a long time.

When the children have children of their own

Then something amazing happens.

The parents become grandparents.

And suddenly the adult son or daughter may discover something quite interesting:

Mom and Dad probably have some experience after all.

At the same time, the new conflict arises:

"That's how we did it when you were little."

"Yes, but now we do it like this."

Parents must remember:

Grandparents are grandparents. Parents are parents.

This means that the new generation must be allowed to decide how their own children will be raised.

The perfect relationship doesn't exist.

Parents and adult children may have old conflicts.

Some people have things they've never talked about.

Others have said things they regret.

Some families have very close contact.

Others need more distance.

There is no universal recipe.

But a good relationship needs respect.

And respect means, among other things, accepting that the other person is an independent human being.

When should parents help?

This is also an important limit.

It's nice to help the children.

But if parents constantly clean up after the adult child, the help can actually make the child less independent.

There may be a difference between:

“I’m helping you because you’re in a difficult situation.”

and:

"I'll take care of everything so you don't have to deal with the consequences."

Love doesn't always mean solving the problem.

Sometimes love means standing by while the other person solves it for themselves.

From parent to advisor

The best thing that can happen in this phase is for the parents to become people the child actually wants to talk to.

Not because they have to.

But because they feel safe.

Then parents can take on a new and valuable role:

They become advisors, supporters and family – without being the boss.

Think about this for a moment.

If you have an adult child:

Ask yourself:

When was the last time I gave advice without trying to determine the outcome?

And if you are the adult child:

When was the last time you listened to your parents without automatically thinking that they don't understand something?

The relationship between parents and children does not necessarily become easier with age.

But it can be better.

In the next part, both generations are well-grown.

And then a strange phenomenon occurs:

You can be 37 years old but still be asked if you remembered your jacket.