PART 5: 40–50 YEARS “When parents start getting old”

From diaper changes to coffee visits – Part 5

It happens almost unnoticed.

One day you discover that your parents have started asking you for help.

Before, it was you who called:

"How do I make brown gravy?"

Now maybe it's the parents calling:

"How do I get this app to work?"

And you think:

"Finally! Now the roles are reversed."

But it's not quite that simple.

Parents are still parents

Even though parents get older, their identity doesn't disappear.

They are still mom and dad.

They still have opinions.

They can still annoy you.

They may still give you advice you didn't ask for.

And they can still ask:

“Have you eaten?”

The difference is that you gradually start to see them in a different way.

You see the age.

You see they are getting tired.

Maybe your hearing is getting worse.

Maybe the memory isn't as good.

Maybe they no longer drive.

The first role reversal

In many families, a gradual role shift occurs.

The child helps the parents.

First with technology.

So maybe with practical things.

Eventually, it may be doctor's appointments, finances, housing, or other decisions.

This can be difficult for parents.

Those who once decided everything suddenly have to accept help.

And it can feel like losing control.

Help without taking over

There is an important difference between helping and taking over.

“Do you want me to help you?”

is better than:

"You clearly can't handle this anymore."

Even though it might feel true right then.

Dignity means a lot.

The parents have been adults long before the child was born.

They should not be treated like children just because they are getting older.

Difficult conversations

At some point, many families have to talk about things they would rather avoid.

What happens if the parents get sick?

What do they want if they can no longer live at home?

How will the economy be handled?

Who will help?

What do they want themselves?

These are not pleasant conversations.

But it can be much more difficult to take them when a crisis has already occurred.

Old wounds may still be there

It's easy to think:

"Now we just have to be happy that we have each other."

But the reality is more complicated.

Some have a close relationship with their parents.

Others have a difficult relationship.

Some have experienced things that have never been talked about.

Aging does not automatically make old wounds go away.

But it can make time more valuable.

If something needs to be said, it might be better to say it while you still have the opportunity.

Gratitude

When we are young, we often think that our parents will always be there.

Then we get older.

And suddenly we understand that time is not infinite.

Then small things can take on greater significance.

A coffee cup.

A phone call.

An old picture.

A story from childhood.

A question:

"What was your life really like when you were young?"

Parents often have stories their children have never heard.

And yes – the technology

There is also a separate category for elderly parents:

Technical support.

"The internet isn't working."

"The TV has gone black."

"I've lost Facebook."

"Why does the phone speak English?"

The child who once asked:

"Why is the sky blue?"

now sitting here explaining the difference between Wi-Fi and mobile data.

The circle of life is impressive.

Think about this for a moment.

Your parents were young once.

They had dreams.

They made mistakes.

They were in love.

They were scared.

They might have had bad luck.

They tried to be good parents without knowing if they were doing it right.

Now you may be starting to see the person behind the role.

And that may be one of the most important discoveries of adulthood.

In the next and final part, we come to the time when parents may be 70, 80 or 90 years old.

Then the question could be:

How do we take care of our parents without losing ourselves?