3 – When you choose your own family

"Family is family."

We have heard that many times.

But what if the people you are biologically related to are not the people you feel closest to?

Then you can experience something that many others also know: that family is not always about who you are born into, but also about who you choose to have around you.

The family you choose

Some people build what is often called a "chosen family."

It could be friends, neighbors, colleagues or other people who gradually take on a role usually associated with family.

They may not appear on the Christmas card from the genealogy registry.

But they come when you need them.

They know how you feel. They know your story. They celebrate with you when life is going well and support you when it's going badly.

The document describes this as "chosen family" - that is, chosen kinship, where belonging is based more on relationship than biological or legal ties.

Why do people choose their own family?

There could be many reasons.

Some have moved far from home.

Others have lost contact with parts of their family.

Some have experienced conflicts or difficult family relationships.

Then it may be natural to build new relationships and find people you feel safe with.

But people who have good relationships with their biological family can also have a chosen family in addition.

For many, there is simply room for both.

Open doors

A family with open borders can have many people around them.

That can be a great strength.

More people means more experiences, more opportunities for help and more people to share life with.

But it can also be demanding.

If the doors are wide open, it can be difficult to know where the boundaries are. Who can interfere? Who is responsible? How much should you actually contribute?

The document points out that very open families can experience challenges with role confusion and overload, while at the same time having access to many resources and a lot of support.

When the door is completely closed

At the opposite end we find the small, tightly bounded family.

Privacy is important here.

You protect your own family, your own time and your own resources.

It can be healthy and provide security.

But if the family faces a major crisis, it can be more difficult if you don't have a larger network to rely on.

Therefore, both open and closed borders can have advantages and disadvantages.

Maybe we need a little bit of everything

There may be no perfect recipe for what a family should look like.

We need boundaries, but also people around us.

We need independence, but also community.

We need people who respect our privacy, but also people who knock on our door when they see that we need help.

And perhaps most importantly:

Family isn't always about who you share blood with. It can also be about who you share life with.

So the next time you think of the word “family,” ask yourself:

Who would you call if everything went wrong?

And who would call you?