When we need other people's validation to trust ourselves.
Updated: Oct 4
It's natural to seek advice and hear what others think. We learn from each other, and other people's perspectives can help us see things in new ways. But for some, it becomes difficult to trust their own judgment without first having others confirm it.
If a person constantly compares themselves to others or seeks support to feel sure that they are right, it may be a sign of insecurity and a strong need for external validation. This does not mean that there is one specific “type” of person who behaves this way. Behind the behavior may lie several different experiences and patterns.
When security comes from outside
Some people place great importance on how others evaluate them. They may experience the agreement of others as a sign that they have understood the situation correctly, while disagreement arouses doubt or anxiety. This may resemble what is called an external locus of control: a perception that truth, value, or rightness only becomes apparent when others confirm it.
The need for validation can also be a way of dealing with anxiety. When someone says, “I agree with you,” it can provide short-term relief: The person doesn’t have to face the possibility of being wrong. But if the relief only lasts until the next time they have doubts, the need for support can become a permanent habit.
When being wrong feels threatening
For some, being right becomes closely tied to their sense of self. A disagreement can then feel like more than a difference in perspective – it can be experienced as a judgment on their own judgment or value. The person may seek support from more than one person, compare themselves to others, or place great importance on who agrees.
It can also be difficult to make your own choices without support. Some have learned that it is safer to leave judgments to others than to risk being alone. This may resemble dependent patterns, but isolated actions are not enough to say anything about a person's personality or make a diagnosis.
Confirmation can shift responsibility
The support of others can sometimes be used as a kind of security: “The others thought the same thing, so I couldn’t know better.” It can make it easier to bear the responsibility if the assessment turns out to be wrong. Often this is not done consciously. It can be a way of protecting oneself from shame, criticism or the feeling of having failed.
At the same time, there is a difference between seeking advice and needing others to approve of our conclusions. Advice can expand our understanding. Constant confirmation can make it harder to practice trusting our own judgment.
Tolerating doubt without losing your footing
Being confident doesn't mean you're always right. It can also mean that you can tolerate uncertainty, research the issue, and stand by your assessment—while also being willing to change your mind when you learn something new.
If you recognize this pattern, it may be helpful to ask yourself:
What do I mean, before I ask others?
Am I seeking a new perspective, or am I hoping primarily for agreement?
What would I do if no one could confirm my choice?
Can I tolerate someone disagreeing without concluding that I am wrong?
The goal is not to stop listening to others. It is to allow other people's views to be part of the assessment, without them having to decide what you should think.
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